Tedious Life of an Urban Apache

Haunted By A Water Demon

Haunted By A Water Demon

Is it possible to have a water demon following you around?

Yesterday I get a call from my wife who sounds like she’s visiting the falls at Niagara. It seems there’s a torrent of water flowing from upstairs down into our basement/garage with no end in sight. I’m afraid if we let it keep going they may all drown or freeze. Directions to the water shutoff were shouted as she battled the spiders and creatures under the stairs to get to the valve.

Once she got the water turned off, the waterfall faded and life without water began for our family. I’m not sure how they’ll survive in this new wasteland but I have faith in their toughness.

She used to be much better in a crisis but she hasn’t had to deal with as many lately. I like to think that’s my fault that her major crisis days are behind her. In fact, that was one of the main things that made me fall for her. She was always great when things went bad. There was no whining or drama or complaining that she had a flat or bad battery, she just .. fixed it. That quality  in a person is harder to find than you would think.

So, I immediately got on the phone and called every plumber that we’ve used in the past and told that that I’m sure they’re busy but we have no water to poop in… and drink.  I guess that part is important as well. They didn’t seem as interested in my usage of water and it’s priority according to me.

Still, if you don’t drink water, you won’t have to go to the bathroom. The problem kinda solves itself doesn’t it?

Then again, considering the temps out here in the MO were dipped below 0 and in fact when we drove home on new years eve in -8 degrees. Figured there may be some water problems. I’m sure there are several things that can go wrong when the temps drop that low for that long. I know I don’t want to be outside lately. The good news is the high is going to get up to 23 sometime later this week.


Woke up the first day of the NEW YEAR 2018 because it was quiet. TOO quiet. The TV was off and there was very little noise from the rest of the house. In other words… not a creature was stirring, you know the rest.

First thought was damn, our furnace fan is broken and we’re not getting our warm air circulation. Went to check the power to the thermostat.. and there was an error showing there is no power to our thermostat.

Great. First day of 2018 and there’s no power. Is this the start of the apocalypse? It’s now up to 1 degree outside and around 65 inside the house.

There’s no power and no water.

Wait, no WATER?

Does water need electricity to work? No, that doesn’t sound right. I know mixing them together is either really bad or really good. I’m sure it’s not important.

I figure we wait til we get power back and tackle one issue at a time. I also got to tell the kids a few ‘back in my day’ stories because they had no TV and I had a captive audience.

Finally I get a call back from one of the plumbers I called and he can actually get out there today. I guess I can cancel the appointments I made for tomorrow. Sorry buddy, good luck making money off me while you’re busy making money off all the other people that need you to give money…… shut up!

I get in contact with my lovely significant and tell her a hero is on the way.. and I’m coming too! Maybe I can supervise or something important.

The plumbers did find a leak, and got it patched then told me how many of my monies is needed because of the evil water. Then they turned the water on.. and, well, they found another leak. And not the good edible kind. Which.. really isn’t that good either. So they went back to work, replaced that line of water and, well, let’s just say I could have bought a couple of playstations and a new GoPro instead of showering or drinking water or pooping inside like decent humans do.

The good news is, there’s now damage to my garage and I got to install some new insulation to replace what was torn out and… the house smells better because the dirty people who live there are able to shower.

Well, everyone else was able to take a shower. I’m sure I’ll get one eventually.

You thought that was the end of my story didn’t you?

I walk into work  the next morning and the guy on the elevator starts asking me about replacing all the equipment that was damaged. I kindly ask him what the fuck he’s talking about. He mentions something burst which caused the sprinklers to shower a wiring room with cisco switches that connected about 40% of our building to the internet and phones.

This is where I panic a little and ask him to show me.

Oh dear lord.

3 cisco switches
UPS and every box of wire completely soaked.

There’s about an inch of water on the ground and the entire room has the strange metallic smell of something shorting out and being on fire for a second or two.

I wanted to react to such a tragedy but I was kind of impressed with the amount of damage a couple of sprinkler heads could to a wiring room.

The rest of the day was spent explaining to the people without connections WHY they didn’t have connections and getting them on wireless. Which of course slowed to dial up speed as more and more people connected to it.

Every piece of hardware in that room had water dripping out of it. Like I said.. kind of impressive.

We had to unmount all the hardware and repatch all the cables. I did mostly physical work on it as my coworkers managed the software side. Things like this rarely are resolved quickly but I think we did an impressive job of getting people back online today.

If any of you know what I can do to stop this water demon from following me around, I’d like to know.

Do I need to sacrifice a goat? Or throw a virgin into a volcano? Just.. someone call someone else. Or else I’m just gonna get drunk and hope for the best.

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