An Apache Ages
When I was 15, I thought I had most of it figured out and knew what the hell was happening in the world. I was on the rez and my world was in my control. Then I turned 20 and realized that I was an idiot at 15. The world had gotten so much bigger and the reservation so much smaller. But at 20, I knew much more and was going to attempt to conquer the world. (just like we did last night Pinky)
Then I made it to 30 and thought about what a buffoon 20 year old me was. The world isn’t designed to be conquered, it is sometimes laughed with and fought against, not something to rule over. Nobody is handing out golden tickets, as 20 year old me still believed they existed. 30 year old me knows better, well… knew better than those previous morons.
When I hit 40 recently I noticed how blissfully unaware that 30 year old seemed to be. Sure he thought he had a good grip on things at 30. The more 40 year old knows, the more I realize how much 40 year old me, doesn’t know. I feel as though I’m starting to reverse in age. How is it possible that I know so little?
That may all sound bad, or even an attempt at some sarcastic self-deprecation, but it’s quite the opposite. It’s an honest realization of your past thought patterns. And hopefully you’re current ones.
However, I truly believe that if you DON’T go through these phases and subsequent brain-wrecks, there’s probably something wrong. You should be growing, and learning and overall getting BETTER than your former self. Shouldn’t you?